I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
