Pants 0. Shit 1.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
