Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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