You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
