I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
