i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
