My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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