I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
