My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
