He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
