No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
