Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
