This is not my ceiling
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
