i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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