her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
