I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
it glows. i had to have it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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