I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I cut my penus on the lid.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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