I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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