So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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