Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I will die if light touches me.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
