You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
