Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
