Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
