I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
