Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
