Got a toothbrush?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
