I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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