an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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