So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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