she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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