Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
