Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
