I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
All I want is dick and wine.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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