I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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