It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
