I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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