God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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