this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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