Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
