Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
