I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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