I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
