farters have to be the big spoon...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
