I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
