I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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