I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
