I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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