Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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