You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
