I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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